Sue Moon’s Blog

Sometimes when I get caught up in the rush of the daily to do’s, I wonder where fun is.  Why isn’t my life more fun?  Maybe I don’t really want it.

I remember several quotes about things like being the peace you seek, giving out what you want so that it will come back to you etc.  I get it at the time and then slip right back into the old patterns.

It is becoming a lot more difficult for me to judge anyone or thing under the self scrutiny I find I am in this summer.  I am just like everyone else.  Change is just as hard for me as anyone.  Making myself do certain things that I know I need:  exercise, vitamins, spiritual practice is difficult this week.

Do I want to be happy then, not sure I’m willing to put so much effort into change right now.  I’m peering into myself and it is impossible to see it all.  Looks like billowing colorful clouds of changing emotions and thoughts…..depths that go somewhere I don’t know…..I find that I am a very complex personality and have been my own best friend and worst enemy and the places I see inside of me are exciting and very scary.

This being in the moment thing is not easy and a lot scary.  Accountability for all the actions/thoughts and so on leaves it right here on me.  If I want to be happy I need to make that happen.  So, perhaps today I would rather just be intensely seeking.  And that feels pretty good.  Depth perception, I like that, last night I told a friend I was into depth dwelling.  Going down deep inside and bringing my depths out into the light.  Do I want to be the way I have been for years?  Can I make these huge changes now?  Some of them I can, I see a few that are pretty daunting that may have to be dealt with tomorrow.